Surviving 30 years on earth!

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Welcome to the human being named Amna Sabahat 🙂

Side Note: The initial title was Happy Surviving 30 years on Earth but given Corona not really a happy time. I also didn’t get myself a birthday present like I do every year. Didn’t feel like it. I hope we get through this soon and use lessons Corona taught to create a better world for all. And remember age is just a number.

I didn’t write my birthday post for my 29th. I was in Uganda for my Capstone, and before, and after that I was busy with my last semester at Columbia, standing up for myself in a new way that the end of 2018 brought, and concluding life in New York city. To be really honest, I didn’t have anything to say that year. I was learning to listen, was reconnecting to my self as a person at a spiritual and emotional level, was evaluating what life was presenting next, and was mentally preparing to adjust back to different socio-economic structures in Pakistan.

My favourite age, for now, is 32. Though, I get more excited thinking about the year I will turn 40 (if I live that long). Those of you who have been following my yearly birthday updates already know that I love growing old, each year that we live, brings along multiple life experiences. We learn more, we grow more mentally, and work on living better based on all these intellectual improvements.

Lessons I learnt so far!

We need a very small amount of oxygen, water, and food from what exists in the world to stay alive, don’t compromise your integrity, self-respect, morals, ethics, and ideas of right and wrong for other temptations on this planet.
You continuously make a choice to be who you are. Make the one you respect and are at peace with.
Learn to identify fear. Don’t let it influence your life choices.
Never give up. Learn from the past but never let it scare you from taking chances and decisions in life.
Focus on what’s ahead of you, not what’s behind you.
Learn to monitor how your brain thinks and how your heart feels. Make a conscious effort to achieve internal peace (it is a continuous process). Attain this internal peace and work on maintaining it by making life choices that compliment it. Please don’t destroy it by running after superficial things in life. Yes, it is hard with all the temptations around but you rationally analyse, and pick and choose if necessary.
Give back to those who haven’t been as privileged as you have been in life. Remember how we look and the kind of families we are born to is mere luck. It doesn’t define who we choose to become as a person. So, if you got lucky compared to many then remember them and give back in whatever capacity you can. If nothing else then at least it will make you feel better about yourself as a person that you are doing something to make life easier for someone else. It will also add to the internal peace.
Lastly the most talked about thing on this earth, Love! If everything was possible in the world what kind of a person would you choose to spend your life with? I really liked an idea given by backcasting strategy that policy makers use to design foreign policies, I actively used it. So, think about the steps you need to take in life in order to get the kind of love you want. Like being patient and not settling out of fear of growing old etc. Learn from life and remember all the lessons people teach you. Choose better than what didn’t last and understand why it didn’t last including the flaws you might have (I didn’t have any flaw apparently lol). Also, learn to *not* compromise *but rather coordinate and work together as a team for a common shared goal*. No one is perfect *but the one who continously makes a continuous effort to be best best version of her/him/it/them self*. Be kind, forgive and give space to grow based on intelligent observations. As long as someone has morals, ethics, integrity and *innocence/purity alive in them*, two or more people can make it work (Given that you value these the most).

So back to turning 30 *documented as 30, it is apparently 1989*! I am going to evaluate my life so far and share a bit of personal experience of how and why made it this far with the intention to comfort those going through similar struggle to get somewhere in life, and of course to read it later in life. Though I feel I am half way to getting somewhere in life and not there yet, but many people around me consider Fulbright and Columbia getting somewhere in life. So, use your brain to critically read this post and draw meaning according to what makes sense to you.

For last 13 years of life since I realized what I want to live for while I am growing up in life, I invested my twenties doing just that. It was leaving behind a better world for all or die trying. And the way to it was education and becoming financially independent along the way to at least pay my bills and support a basic lifestyle. Even though, now, looking at it from this side of life, the ups and downs during last 30 years, it feels like wow it all added up to help me get this far in life. Since I believe in a particular God, I grew up worshiping, I will continue to take my life so far as a result of His blessings *for now*. If you don’t then you can attribute it to whatever makes sense to your brain. I invested my twenties according to what made sense to my brain back then and ended up getting degrees from the kind of institutions that were not a possibility even in my wildest dreams. I will tell you later in the post why. But you know, at the same time, it was a constant struggle to not give up, to stay focused not knowing what life has in store next and to stand alone against all the odds. I reiterate standing alone because I never really felt comfortable with the idea of depending on someone emotionally or financially, and always took life so far as my journey alone while people who loved me and genuinely cared about me definitely gave me immense comfort to keep going, and I would not have made it this far without them. However, now I have learnt to let myself be vulnerable and have started depending on people emotionally.

2006 – 2007, The year changed me as a person in every possible way. I was growing up in a lower middle class family with limited to no resources really. I had no idea about what my life would be beyond these social and economic constructs. I didn’t have much to assure me that I can have dreams and I can turn them to reality one day. I was studying because my mother saw me as a really smart kid who had potential, sent me to an elite school (I call it an elite school because most of my classmates/friends were born and raised in US/UK and moved to Pakistan around that time). The idea in my head was to study so that when I get married, and incase it doesn’t work out, I can financially support myself. And seriously when this idea was planted in my head, I lost motivation to study. I remember a classmate of mine asked me about my life goal and I told him this exact same thing, he was like don’t tell me you are going to end up cleaning dishes at home and cook etc with no goals in life. I questioned my thought process for the very first time that day. It made me very uncomfortable.

It was around this time when I felt there is some higher existence that blesses no idea why, but somethings are meant to take you where you define who are you going to be through your life journey on this earth. And also a test like what you do when blessed like if you are worth the future blessings or not. Could be a thing I made up in my head but I believe blessings come with the condition to live up to the responsibility part. I still don’t find answers to my never ending questions about how Allah works and how there remains to be so much pain in billions of people’s lives. I constantly struggle to understand. Well, for me, YES exchange program happened. Living in US with my extremely kind host family, I identified my social and religious biases, prejudices, and discriminatory gender identities. I learnt to never be defined by my socio-economic status or gender, and realized how superficial these structures are. I learnt to be more than living to fit in to the role society defined for me being a woman. I came back and the reverse cultural shock was the hardest. We lived in a house with not three *two I think* rooms back then it was much better for a family of six but I used to feel embarrassed about the area we lived in as all my friends came from totally different high socio-economic background. While my brain fully processed the fact that some of us get lucky and it doesn’t define anyone’s worth as a human being, I took time to emotionally process existing inequalities. Emotions are complex, back then I learnt that even though my brain processes and understands things in a rational way, I still have to go an extra mile to process how I feel emotionally to get to a level where my heart and brain are in harmony. My strategy was to give myself time to process things, and have conversations with my emotional side while understanding that what brain says is the ultimate way I will believe and do things in life regardless of how emotionally uncomfortable I feel, except for couple mistakes I made, it worked out really well. Alhamdulillah/Universe/Karma/MoreKnowledge.

So the more experienced me, prioritised life around education. I was extremely motivated to study, I was focused to do what needs to be done to do better academically, and above all, I decided my life will never be just about what I get in terms of materialistic things. While I love my family the most, I developed a strong sense of responsibility towards every that person who didn’t get the opportunity to identify social conditioning and break away from these superficial structures like I did. I decided to do whatever I can, in whatever capacity I can while I learn academically. That’s when I started doing community service with the intention to give back in bits and pieces until I get myself to a level where I can do more.

Personal challenges were there. Initially my mother, who beyond any doubt loves me and supports me the most, couldn’t understand why I stopped cooking, cleaning and doing all the possible house chores after coming back from US. For her, I was always a smart kid who took first, second or third position in class until 8th grade and never really needed to sit down to study course books. Though, for three to four years, I couldn’t focus on studies much during my O Level time, that was the first time I was becoming aware of who am I in the social-economic structure and I just had no idea if I meant little more than what I was being reduced to. So, studying appeared meaningless in the bigger picture of things I was going through but my self-selected understanding of deeper meaning of life during exchange program changed it. My family took time to re-adjust with the new evolved me and it was emotionally painful for me, more than I think I had the capacity to take at that time, but I developed the capacity to deal with this emotional pain, and didn’t let it impact my motivation to study, and stay*ed* focused on first my O Level final year (Scored second highest in my O Level class which was enough to assure me that it is working and I am doing better now academically) and then my FSC exams.

While you are religiously following your set goals in life, you end up in emotional situations that have the ability to distract you and fundamentally change the life journey you have put yourself on. I feel romantic relationships have this kind of ability because trusting the wrong person who doesn’t fully understand the meaning and responsibility of a commitment can make you very vulnerable to the kind of pain in life that can consume you. Also when you are totally content and at peace with being alone in life, adding another person to your life means you start creating emotional space in your life for certain emotional gratifications that didn’t exist before or you never bothered much about the need of it. Someone being there for you everyday, unconditionally loving (the questionable definition of love they have) you for how out of the world they think you are, making you believe that you are the smartest girl they ever knew, and giving you confidence in your abilities because they make you believe you can do anything you want in the world, can really hit you the hardest if you loose that person for whatever reasons. (You learn that even though they introduce you to “who you are”, “who you are” will never be reduced to their existence. If they are capable of leaving you instead of dealing with what life throws at you two then you need to choose a better partner because life will always be unpredictable. And you want to do beyond your existence on this earth).

You know experiences like these are actually the defining moments of your life. You deal with your emotions and rationally analyse the situation, and in my case, conclude that no matter how subjective the definition of love is, it should actually never leave if it really is love and nothing in the world is impossible to resolve *if two intelligent minds are determined to achieve their mutual goal of a happy planet for all*. If it left then it was probably some infatuation or some version of intense attraction that they couldn’t resist you and stayed until they were forced to let you go because of other social forces in life. I believe in a very basic kind of love like it should be, doesn’t have to be perfect but has to be honest to the core, pure enough to not be effected by superficial things in the world and definitely doesn’t come from a person whose sense of commitment is based on personal convenience or circumstances. It deals whatever comes in the way and fights against all the odds. Idealistic? Might never come true? We get only one life to live. Why settle for something less? Even the tiny bit possibility of a love like this, and the fact that nothing is impossible, gave me most of the strength I needed to stand alone in life and make it this far. Why would you want to give yourself to someone whose idea of love depends on his personal convenience. Just because socially we have defined the idea of love according to social convenience, economic status, settling for who meets the basic checklist etc doesn’t mean your definition of love is not realistic. Just because it is a road least traveled by majority, doesn’t mean you don’t dare to take it. Of course given that you seek this form of love. Find someone for the person they are, see if you can respect that human being and evaluate yourself if you can give love to this person. If you feel *(intelligence+emotions+body desires+information to analyze and asses based on knowledge)* you can then way to go! Go for it and high probability you will eventually find this kind of love. You have to take risk, give potential people a chance, and see how it goes, and trust that what you seek will eventually come to you. May “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” come true for what we want.

My idea of love might not be what matters to you in your life. Spend sometime thinking over it to come up with your own understanding of it because what we want in life also varies. In my case, I realized that whoever you meet in life is a unique individual with perfections and imperfections, and not all relationships are to last for life despite chasing the idea of finding the one love for life but you will eventually find the one during this process if you don’t give up. So no matter how much you are afraid of getting hurt, take a chance. We will eventually die. So, live for what matters to you. Also, don’t put an age limit to it and nor should you use superficial standards to know someone. That kind of profound, eternal and pure possible version of love is not the one you find when you are afraid of growing old and assess people in terms of socio-economic security they can offer. It is more about being strong enough to exist alone without adding people, you don’t see potential in, to your life to get emotional or physical needs met for the time being. If you are not strong enough to be alone, depending on how much it matters to you, you learn and gain that strength. Some skills we are born with and some we acquire. So acquire if you aren’t born with it. I can be wrong but I feel many of us give up on love and settle for less in life.

Okay so while I am at it, it is also important to understand that most of the people we meet during our teenage (Yes, Muqadas this part is for you), are likely to still be in the process of becoming someone, discovering themselves, and interpreting the world around them. And so are you, of course. There is so much you yet have to learn, so many mistakes to make and so many experiences to gain that will shape who you become in life. You see, high probability that you are not materialising but are *envisioning to gain more knowledge to make a better informed decision for partner later in life (take it as an opportunity to learn men)* that idea of growing up and growing old with someone during your teenage. So, take that point in life as a learning opportunity and think *assess* it through*ly* before giving someone a chance. We all are just taking our first steps during this time to become an adult *who we are aspiring to become* and while we might not mean to hurt each other we might not be able to help much. Learn to leave behind what doesn’t fit in to your idea of love, move on and use these lessons to make a better mistake next time.

During my teen years, I was also in the process of thinking through who I want to be and didn’t know what life holds in terms of my ultimate goal to leave behind a better *happier* world. I learnt to separate my emotional and academic life. It was years of practice starting from separating my family life from my academic life back in 2007. If I try to put my strategies in words I really can’t *I will later in life for all*. It was a complex process that took place in my head and I think it varies from person to person. I used to get hurt easily, being an over sensitive person I used to end up in tears, I used to complain to an invisible God that it is hurting and I don’t think it is fair, eventually used to feel much better believing that Allah will take care of it *because it is unjust* and after spending 20 or so minutes in this process, I used to get back to study like nothing happened *literally*. You know what’s the most surprising thing about last 30 years of my life? Allah*/Universe/HigherKnowledge* really took care of the things I used to complain to him about.

I didn’t even know what exactly I should study back then. My parents wanted me to become a doctor or an engineer because that’s what they knew about, and I could never reproduce books to get the kind of marks needed for these. This was another time when Allah*/Universe/Karma/HigherKnowledge* somehow got me to study what I would have actually wanted to had I known before. I got introduced to social sciences, I got admission in Mass Communication at NUST just because someone close to me encouraged me to go for it saying that I have a natural talent for communication. I went for it not knowing what mass communication really is and what kind of natural unknown talent I had all this time for communication. During my first semester, I learnt what social science is and was totally fascinated by it like I couldn’t believe I could really spend years studying humans, societies, conflicts, communication and above all international affairs .

This was also the time when my parents didn’t have money to pay my fee for NUST. They saved enough to pay for my admission, we expected semester fee after the semester but turned out it had to be paid one or two months after starting semester. I felt really bad and thought about how education should be free for all and how it is a privilege for people with money only (I plan to start a scholarship program *with the commitment to contribute back to those in need and so on* to support students from less privileged backgrounds when I will earn more in life). I told my parents I will figure it out. I didn’t know what I was going to do but I knew I am never going to ask money from my that rich relative who would love to brag about it in the family and make my parents feel bad, and nor was I going to take it from that someone who unconditionally supported me and gave me the most stable emotional relation I relied on for years to come *but offered to collect it in the form of charity*. He offered to pay and I knew he would if I let him. But something inside me didn’t allow me to take money from these people. Probably, my self-respect and how despite appreciating their presence in my life I didn’t feel like I should take their help*, aimed at changing my values*. It was my struggle in life alone and I felt I will compromise my integrity *and all that I stand for* if I took help from anyone other than my parents during this struggle. It just didn’t feel like the right thing to do. I thought to freeze my semester, work for sometime, save, and resume studies later. Meanwhile, I told the finance office at NUST about being unable to pay and asked about the process of freezing semester. Around a week later, someone really kind from finance department called me and asked me to meet Ms. Ayesha Saeed (One of the brilliant teachers I got to study from at NUST, back then I didn’t know who she was *and now I think I am getting to learn more about people like her in my life*). I went to her office, she told me about NUST Need and Merit based scholarship, printed the forms, helped me fill out the forms, told me to get the required documents to prove that I meet the criteria for scholarship. Then, there was a panel interview and I got it. It was also one of those times when my faith in Allah*/Karma/Universe/HigherKnowledge* got strengthened further and I was thankful to Him*/her/it/them for not disappointing me in life and for giving me enough strength to say no to the options that felt like compromising my self-selected idea of integrity. It wasn’t that getting need and merit based scholarship doesn’t label you on the basis of your socio-economic status, but to me it didn’t matter because it had a selection process where they evaluated my potential too like am I worth the investment. NUST paid 50% of my fee and my parents made up the other 50% for four years. Also, it was the first time that this scholarship program started at NUST and I felt like Allah*/Karma/Universe/HigherKnowledge* is really there for me. Back at that time when I got the scholarship, some*one (You know who you are)* close to me who is not part of my life anymore and saw me through this struggle said that see how Allah*/Karma/Universe/HigherKnowledge* made it happen for for you, He really loves you. Him putting it in to words that day really made me feel loved and taken care of by Allah*/Karma/Universe/HigherKnowledge*. I often remind myself this when I get worried about something in life.

After NUST, I worked for three years for a development organization and achieved financial independence to support myself since then. I felt closer to achieving my academic goals and was satisfied that I used my life for something I consider worth working hard for. Meanwhile, an emotional incident happened. Like I said I learnt to separate emotional and academic/professional life, it doesn’t mean that you can totally avoid the intense emotional pain it brings. I remember I couldn’t even laugh properly, I stayed in the state of shock for some considerable amount of time, I cried to sleep every night for a while, but at the same time I remained focused on work/GRE/Grad School Applications during the day like there was an automatic switch inside me that helped me navigate this emotional and professional space on daily basis. I know, from a distance, when we look at people’s lives we only see their good times or success parts but I believe never forgetting your weak times in life is very important to define your present and future. Times like this provide an opportunity to acquire the skills you require to deal with such situations. We all are human beings with our own challenges and the key is to focus on learning how to deal with downs until you are back up and happy again *and then what do you do with the responsibility given to you*. See what works for you. For me, it was not compromising on what I believed in life. It meant recalling basic ideas of moral values, ethics and honesty I stood for all my life, and how I needed to define my existence beyond who stays or leaves my life. My rational thought process assured me that things were fundamentally wrong with the situation and I disagreed with people involved on multiple levels. So, I focused on the bigger picture. Initially, I doubted how loosing someone who made me feel the happiest on this earth every single day for years, can ever be better for me but then time revealed how it was. Of course, it took years to get the kind of clear and direct answers I needed to make peace with it but eventually I did get answers, and it made me believe that may be Allah*/Karma/Universe/HigherKnowledge* take those people out of my life who don’t deserve me beyond that time.

During all this time while I was emotionally healing, I decided to apply for Fulbright for the second time. In 2013, while studying national and international relations from one of my most favourite teachers in life, Hussain Nadeem, I decided that I will do my master in International Affairs. It was back then when another amazing teacher Ayesha Arif Khan, and Hussain Nadeem encouraged me to apply for Fulbright and assured me I will get it. I really didn’t believe it back then and it seemed like a dream that might or might not become a reality. GRE was a huge challenge, and Hussain Nadeem suggested I take classes and get done with it. I did that three years later. I applied for every possible scholarship and Fulbright was the only one I got while I got admission in every university I applied to.

Like few things in life, I also consider getting Fulbright and going to Columbia as one of the things Allah*/Karma/Universe/HigherKnowledge* blessed me with like I got lucky, and then, I worked really hard during my master as a way to thank Allah*/Karma/Universe/HigherKnowledge*. I still remember the time I was filling out Fulbright form and really wanted to write Columbia as the third option for universities but I was like I will not get in to Columbia. I literally thought in that moment that I got few things in life that I think I didn’t really deserve at that time like YES exchange program and who knows Columbia might be one of those things. And Columbia and New York were SO meant to be. I even got in to Georgetown. Foreign Policy ranked Georgetown as number one school for International Affairs, and Georgetown tried their best to convince me to join while they weren’t supposed to directly contact a Fulbright scholar. And long story short I chose Columbia because it had better curriculum, and then time revealed Ivy League is still a big thing (watching Gossip Girl might have influenced), it has 60% international students and one shall live in New York City at least once in life. *Also New York City was one of the most diverse and ready for Fourth Industrial Revolution*. And also got lucky that my Columbia scholarship made it possible for Fulbright to send me to second most expensive university as they have some budget issues. When I get things in life that I don’t think I deserved, I work really hard to live up to them as a way to thank Allah*/Karma/Universe/HigherKnowledge* and I did justice to this blessing I believe. *Now realising that in this world I can also fulfil my responsibility to pass on*.

Two years in New York and Columbia are one of the best times of my life. They didn’t change me as a person like my exchange year did back in 2007 but they kind of concluded my that goal to get education. And when I graduated, said goodbye to New York, I was satisfied to the core. I also loved being single during this time. I had decided I will not settle for less, and I will make sure that I only go for someone who is original to the core, intelligent enough to understand what really matters in life, wise enough to not let emotional or physical needs compromise his values, and and with a strong sense of integrity and courage to live life according to his own terms. It was really hard to find someone like this, almost all my life, but I gave someone, who presented himself to be like this a chance. I realised that I made a mistake and walked out of it. *And then that somone walked out saying couldn’t trust me, I hope he can someone day if he can become the one for me or I meet *who remains committed to become* the one eventually*. So meanwhile, I didn’t mind saying no and receiving no from people who appeared to be different than the basic idea of a person I was looking for. I really happily lived life for myself during these years without taking the responsibility to care for another person *before life would make me feel ready to do so*. I take the responsibility part very seriously when I attach another person to myself. No one really seemed like I would want to commit to and I wonder if I had met someone I want now back then I might have been too focused on studies that I would have probably treated that person like any other guy I meet in routine life. My ultimate goal in life for last two years was my degree at Columbia and I wasn’t going to get distracted by a guy.

Living thirty years of my life on this planet, I learnt that don’t compare your life journey with others. Your struggle, your experiences, your challenges, your situations, your skills, your ambitions, your morals, your ethics, the things you value and your brain process is very unique and different with so many variables that it will never be like anyone else’s journey. Same goes for the basic things you want. Same goes for never comparing yourself with others in terms of how much money they make or what goals you should set in life or who, when, and how you should get married.

In my case, money was never a motivation. To be really blunt about it, growing up in a lower middle class family I learnt and saw through my life that while money paid the bills, it was the presence of few people in my life that helped me to know myself and discover my abilities, and prove everything wrong that dared to define me on the basis of superficial standards. It was more to do with not giving up, and less to do with money that I was able to get this far in life, and find meaning (so far, it is also a continuous process) in my existence compared to aspiring for better food other families could afford, branded clothes my classmates had or luxuries that made life more convenient for others. I wanted to be financially independent to never depend on anyone but I didn’t care much about accumulating materialistic things in life because I had lived without them and still was reaching the level of intellect and mental growth that people with those luxuries and material accumulation were aspiring to reach. It really fascinates me today that my brain figured it out at such a young age, I was 17 something then.

Same goes for marriage, who I marry was always far more important than anything else in my life. I want to be respected and loved for the person I am, not for the way I look or the degrees I have collected or the career I am likely to have on the basis of these degrees and experiences. In my life, for now, marriage gets only one chance and however it turns out later I want to be sure that the person I go for is worth every bit of the risk I am taking by trusting him with my life, heart, soul and body while signing that legal contract. Its not that I have totally outlived my emotional side and feelings that normal human beings have in life, I just have this understanding with my emotions that if I end up settling for less then I will not be happy (and there is no doubt about it), and I will be disrespecting my self. Like totally violating the commitment I made to myself that I will love myself, watch out for myself, and will always take care of myself for keeping basic things alive in me in the form of self selected morals and ethics. So inshaAllah*/HigherKnowledge/Karma/Universe* never breaking the trust I put in me or betraying myself out of social pressure. It was a continuous process of choosing who I should be as a person and not what is convenient to be while growing up. Of course there were times when I complained to Allah*/HigherKnowledge/Karma/Universe* for how much more time He will take to give me that person and there were times when my closest friends were genuinely concerned and told me to lower my standards. Listening to everyone around, telling me to let go of what I want, I even started doubting myself at times like may be they are right and I should settle but then it just didn’t work out that way. I literally sat down one day and thought about the opportunities I am missing for my one basic idea of love. And I realised that I can compromise on anything in life except this one thing. My prayers to Allah*/HigherKnowledge/Karma/Universe* have been very simple like help me do well in studies, help me pay for my education, give my parents enough money to live a comfortable life, make me the kind of person you approve of etc etc. You know I believe with all my heart that *Allah/HigherKnowledge/Karma/Universe* has the ability to give this entire universe, and asking *Allah/HigherKnowledge/Karma/Universe* for the kind of love I want is definitely not impossible. And here I am! Stuck to never giving up on finding the kind of person I want to marry regardless of what year of my life it will happen in.

So after re-evaluating last 30 years of my life, I find peace in knowing the fact that I continuously chose to be the person I approve of despite whatever life puts me through, I am extremely thankful that I prioritised education in life and achieved it to the required level so far because it will help me achieve my goals for next twenty years inshaAllah*Allah/HigherKnowledge/Karma/Universe*, and I am glad I spent around 10 years doing community service as a way to do something for others while I get to give back professionally through a full time job. Also, just for the record learning never ends so getting degrees was the basic practical goal to get somewhere in life. I think I did justice with last 30 years given what I was born with and made something out of it, and I can die in peace for now if I am to die in my thirties.

Now comes the next phase of life, for next twenty years the goal is to professionally get to a position that would turn my ultimate goal, of leaving behind a better *happy* world or die trying, in to reality. I am in the process of figuring it out and I will figure it out just like I figured out how to achieve my academic goals while knowing nothing. Another thing I realized recently is that my personal life was never my priority. Strangely, finding the one and getting married was always like whatever came along and appeared reasonable. I never stopped to really think it through or consciously choose the kind of person I want. So, that’s another equally important goal for remaining years of my life that I find the one who of course wants someone like me too and share my life with him.

Lastly, achieving my goals for next two decades depends on so many external variables that uncertainty scares me. Norma and few other people who knew me for life know that I have never been afraid in life. I didn’t know what fear feels like. Somehow I learnt it in 2018 (I will write about it sometime later in life. For now I am learning more about this aspect of my life). Now, I focus on ensuring that while I know how fear feels like in life (really a terrible thing to learn lol *and I have become fearless again thanks to *Allah/HigherKnowledge/Karma/Universe**)

I will make sure it doesn’t impact my life choices. I will continue to miss the fearless Amna until I become that me again. *Grateful to be fearless once again*.

Okay now the most important thing! Thank you to my family and close friends (The only ones who probably read my long posts 😛 ). I would have never made it this far in life without you guys’ unconditional support and love. Every time I was sad in life or something emotionally impacted me in a negative way, you comforted me like anything. I needed you all to cross check who I am and if I am going somewhere I rationally consider the right way. I simply don’t exist without you guys.

Mama, I still remember when I was extremely hurt and cried before you about how someone can be so unfair to me. You told me I never even think bad about people and if someone is capable of doing something like this to a person like me then I deserve better and I will get it one day. It was all I needed to know to keep standing for the things I believed in back in that weakest time of my life.

Norma you were there like the ultimate constant ground I stood on during the ups and downs of my life. You spent a life time listening to me when I was happy, full of energy and excited, which was 95% of my life Alhamdulillah*Allah/HigherKnowledge/Karma/Universe*, and also when the sad 5% happened. You know I love you for life. I can never thank Allah enough for giving me you.

Gillian, Alex, Ian, Dad! Thank you for welcoming me to your home as a family member for life. You are the family I never had. Your existence balances out the two different worlds for me and helps me aspire for my own version of balanced life. I can never thank you all enough for the little and big things you continue to do for me. If I had a kid/kids some day in life, I would love for him/her to spend a year with you and learn all the phenomenal things I learnt around the age of 16. May we get to meet a lot more for years to come. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Snober and Rimsha, you both have been such an important part of my struggle to get to this phase of life. Thank you for being there and telling me how I will get Fulbright and get in to Columbia when I doubted myself. It encouraged me to keep working hard for GRE and the selection process. I miss our weekly meetings, long drives and our heart to heart. I wish we can do it more often during next years of our lives. I love you both a lot.

Nida you have been another constant in my life. Distance never mattered. We always made up for the times we missed whenever we met. I love you jaan and happy that I got lucky in life with people like you.

Sana, Zehra, Farheen, Ji-Young, and Rida thank you so much for being there for me in New York in every possible way. I can never make up for it all my life. I feel so blessed to come across you guys and I look forward to growing old with you guys. You are like a treasure I found in life and the kind of people I will cherish for the rest of my life. I absolutely love you guys.

Beenish love! You really made my transition to Pakistan easier. I love our at least twice a month dinner meet-ups. Thank you for being here when most of the people close to me are living in different parts of the world.

Saad and Arfa, love you guys too. You two were there during the weakest point in my life and became my strength. Thank you for unconditionally supporting me.

Amir Sb you continue to support me in multiple ways. You have been more of a friend, fatherly figure and mother-in-law (lol) than a typical boss in my life. Thank you for encouraging me to achieve more and motivating me whenever I doubt myself.

Sir Hussain Nadim, you have been one of the most brilliant teachers I got to study from. I used to think and question before taking your class but I never felt comfortable with the thoughts in my head. You made me realize that it is what separates me from the crowd and I should not suppress it to fit in to religious narratives being preached around. Also, thank you for encouraging me to apply for Fulbright. I wouldn’t have made it this far in life if it wasn’t for you. Keep doing the amazing work you do! It will eventually contribute to making this world a better place for generations to come.

Ma’am Aisha Arif Khan, I got to learn so much from you! I don’t know if you remember but I still remember the day you blessed me and in that moment I chose Fulbright. So want to meet you and catch up someday. Thank you for choosing to teach.

Ma’am Faiza Umer, You will always be an important part of my life journey so far. You really encouraged and supported me when I came back from YES exchange program. I needed someone to believe in me and help me discover my potential back then. I would have never made it this far without teachers like you.

Sir Muhammad Umer, You know you are pretty cool for a teacher, and yet, you invested so much of your time, trying hard, to teach us all that you learnt at Columbia. You really invested all your efforts to raise the standard of education we were getting. Thank you for always being there not just like a teacher but also like a friend we could go to whine about life and look up to.

And Best of luck to me for the next twenty years on earth! I feel extremely grateful in life to have you all.

And some significant moments pictures captured!

When on my way to find God, I started covering my head and continued doing it for a year. I discovered that for the version of God I found and believe in, these things don’t matter. All that matters is who you are.